S Excess
by MinaPotterUesugi
Summary: When problems appear, Severe Snare is here!Snapecentric, or what happens when Snape finally snaps! Crackfic! intended. Mature themes, not explicit though. Contains mentions of slash HarryxRonfor comedy purposes.


'S' Excess

_Made f__or Snape junkies and non-junkies alike. _

**Disclaimer**_ I own nothing, but the plotting. _J.K. Rowling has created the Harry Potter world we all know and adore, not me. This story was inspired by a marathon of 'Stan Lee's 'Who wants to be a superhero' ' and some random gags coming from 'Mystery Men' and other series which will be also butchered in fore coming chapters! You have been warned! LOL

**Ingredients**

A pinch of slashy Harry  
A spoonful of Ron being actually aware of things (I'd like to think that that it's not too OoC!)  
A pound of Dumbledore's Plotting  
A handful of chopped off references to movies/books/series about superheroes  
A ton of Inzany Snapey (AKA OoCness! YAY!)  
Season it all with laughter and running gags.  
Mix all in a large bowl and serve cold! Enjoy!

_**Now, my subconscious mind takes over… and also takes the blame and any random flame thrown at authoress**__**…**_

_**Read and Review! **_

Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry…

The wind is windy, the sun is sunny and all the cheesy stuff people always begin with.

Just in front of the Lake, Harry was sitting with his green eyes unfocused as random bangs of his trademark messy hair fell into his face. The Boy who Lived was under a tree angsting about all things complicated in his life and moping away, when Ron came rushing in looking very agitated.

"H- Har-ry, som-ethin's wrong in the school" he told his friend, between hot puffs of breath, as if urging him to do something. Harry just stared at Ron, gaping… His mind wandered to Ron's gasping and bothered breathing… 'How lovely' he thought as he broke into a grin, a perverted grin, 'Tonight I'm gonna have to cast that silencing charm against my curtains… again…'

Harry was lost into the imagery, picturing Ron in very 'comfortable positions' (with Harry on top, of course, though some 'negotiations' could be in order), as he suddenly, saw a hand waving in front of his face and heard Ron saying "Bloody Hell, Harry, are you all right?"

"Um-hmm…yeah, the scar, you know, it hurts" Harry mechanically uttered the lame excuse and he remembered how it had even saved him from detention with McGonagall more than once. What would he do without it? Perhaps take responsibility of his crazy outbursts? Nah, it's easier to just blame it all on the Big Bad Wolf… err… Voldemort.

"Let's go, Harry. We've got to hurry up and help Professor Sprout!" Ron started towards the Green House and Harry stood up and walked behind him, running to catch up with Ron's hurried pace.

When they both entered the Green House, Harry saw a giant plant that had trapped Hermione and Professor Sprout, who was lying unconscious on the floor surrounded by the plant's evil little branches. Hermione managed to warn them" Don't come closer or it'll get you too!"

Ron looked positively without a clue as to what to do, and so was Harry, but he wasn't as obvious. Or so he thought. Reading the obviousness from their faces, with a little ARGH the trapped girl barked at them "Do I have to tell you _precisely_ what to do EVERY SINGLE TIME?!" rolling her eyes at them.

They simply nodded and if poor Hermy had had her two arms free she would have strangled them both, or at least having her wand, she would have hexed them into donkeys! cue evil laughter

Suddenly, a spotlight appeared out of nowhere accompanied by loud music insert random cheesy Superhero song here and through the door frame could be seen a black figure posing in an In-Of-Superhero-Character manner. Hermione merely rolled her eyes and thought 'Great, more loonies to add to the Loony Circus'

Drum roll (Yes, I DO blame Stan Lee's "Who wants to be a superhero!")_I mean… I __disclaim__ any rights of ownership for that, it belongs to Stan Lee. But if he decides to show up randomly in this fic, I won't complain.__1_

A man in a black cape with two shiny Ss stood proudly sporting a matching black mask, which wasn't really necessary because with all that greasy hair falling over his face nobody would be able to see his face anyway… Not that the hooked nose or the strong smell of Potions gave away who he really was. Even though, the leather pants he wore were _properly_ filled in all the right places (_AN: Bad authoress, bad authoress, this is supposed to be read by young people, you dummy!_)

"Severe Snare is HERE, What seems to be the deal?" The man said (_AN: Okay, if you didn't get WHO it is by now, you won't get a cookie! Mm-mm… Nice Chocolate chip cookie! Nah, I'll just eat it myself! crunch MWAHAHAHAHA chokes of cookie cough cough Sorry!)_

Hermione mumbled "Severe Stupidity is more like it" loud enough for everyone to hear and a sweat drop quickly formed on Severe Snare's face.

Harry and Ron were holding onto each other trying to avoid their laughter to be noticed. Hermione rolled her eyes some more and complained "Are you gonna come help me, or will I just wait until the plant dies of old age and rots?"

"Here I go…" and with that Severe Snare snaked his way gracefully through the branches to reach the girl until…

A loud THUMP was heard…

"Oh, sorry… the cape's new, I just got my make-over yesterday!" the masked man said cheerfully peeling himself from the floor. "You Scary Green Thing, unhand the young lady THIS INSTANT!"

Meanwhile, Harry was mesmerized admiring his best mate Ron, with whom he had gotten in a semi-hug after the laughable appearance, to pay ANY attention to his surroundings. In plain sight, Professor Sprout was rather enjoying herself and covering her mouth with both of her hands to muffle the violent laughter that shook her. So, when Ron approached her and Harry lost contact with the red haired, he too realized. Ron whispered something to the professor and she simply nodded. Harry was not as sneaky as Ron was, plus the warm body next to his not a moment ago had been very distracting, but he adored how the red haired's eyes were glowing with mischief now.

"Ron, what did you say to Prof---" Harry asked quite loudly and found his mouth quickly covered by a big hand with little freckles dancing all over it, Ron's.

"Hush, I'll tell you later, mate" whispered the Weasley boy dangerously near Harry's ear, making the latter quiver slightly, and then he showed a smug smile knowing that he finally had something that the _Almighty_Potter wanted. If only he _knew_ that _that_ wasn't the only thing Harry wanted from him (AN: _Yep, the rating's going up because of this!_)

Harry merely melted against Ron's touch and almost whimpered when said hand was withdrawn.

Back to Severe Snare and the vicious plant, the black clothed man stood there his hands restraining the branches to free Hermione, who had now a free arm but no wand. She had dropped it earlier while struggling to get herself free.

Awkwardly, she thanked the masked one "Um-mm. T-thanks for… giving me my arm back, but my _wand_is still missing!"

"I will ALWAYS come in the rescue of a damsel in distress!" answered Severe Snare and tossed the freshly-found wand into her hands.

"Ouch! You could take someone's _eye_ out that way!!" Uttered Hermione after the wand hit her forehead "Nice aiming, by the way!"

"Thanks" said the man. Then, slowly realization hit the point and he demanded "Hey, but I DID help you, why do you have to be so _mean_!" almost pouting.

Finally, the Granger girl took her wand and the situation in her hands, sending the Scary Green Thing (AKA The Plant) with a swish of her wand and a 'Stupefy' Charm back to the little innocent pot from where it mysteriously _sprouted_. hint hint

"AND YET AGAIN… SEVERE SNARE HAS SAVED THE DAY!!!" (_Wait, he did what?! Pffft – Authoress chokes out of sheer laughter and ridiculousness. Then clears he throat only to resume laughing like the mad woman she is!_)

As I was saying, our HERO claimed, as he looked with a longing stare for adventure directed towards the blue skies, that he had rescued yet another damsel in distress.

Hermione searched in vain for her friends, but couldn't find them. They had run outside being unable to hold their laughter anymore and to avoid losing Gryffindor points in the process. As Severe Snare exited the building walking slowly, pretending he was in slow motion, Hermione approached the Professor who was still laughing and helped her up.

'What's with the self-satisfied face and the glint of malice on her eyes?' Thought the girl as they too left the Green House.

When the plant was left all alone, it started to cry "Feed me, Sprouty, Feed me"

---End of Chapter1---

Thanks to 3 classmates who 'spiced' up this with some ideas and kicked me in the behind for me to finish the story. Sorry, gals…still not over. Oh, and yes! I AM trying to make Hermione roll her eyes 1000 times, so expect more stupidity and running gags next time!

**Pwease****Review!!! rabbit pleading eyes**

_**Come on it's not l**__**ike I'm asking you to donate me one of your lungs!**_

_**Oh, you can also tell me if you would like to beta this story, I already wrote the second chapter! YAY! **_


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